A Letter To The Me I Used To Be

Ten years ago I experienced a heartbreak that rocked me to my core. I crumbled under the feeling of rejection, inadequacy and I lost self-belief. Ten years ago I wrote to express how I felt. Today I've decided to reply to the thoughts of a younger me.

"At times i'm so confused I don't know who to be...I'm in the dark but i'm still chasing visions of light ...I feel like I do everything I can! but it's not enough

and I'm not enough...tell me now should I give up? "

I know it's confusing because you focus on being what you believe to be a good person. You have the innate belief that by being good you deserve good things to happen to you. Now that you're in so much pain you're wondering why bother be good? Remember being good isn't with the intent of good things happening to you. Being good is a choice based on your values, at the very least, you make good things happen for others. Nothing that ever happens is truly bad or good, it's a choice of how you move forward. Your heartbreak just may drive you to become more, even though it may not feel like that now. You feel inadequate because of what someone else chose to do. Is your value based on what others chose to do? I implore you to look deeper and ask yourself whenever you've come up against a significant challenge have you found a way to rise above it? Does that sound like someone who is inadequate?

"In my life people never stick around...So I learned you can never get attached...I admit, half the time my smile ain't real...I laugh through the pain, smile when I feel awful...I will always care, I'm just not cared about"

I'd hold on a little before you start claiming that no one sticks around in your life. You may be surprised to see some of the same faces 10 years down the line (SPOILER ALERT!). It's really tough to be sad around people. You feel like you drain the energy from the room. You make people feel guilty about being happy. I understand faking a smile and faking a laugh, it's not for you, it's for everyone else. It is important not to bury your emotions because they may never truly go away and your situation might worsen. I would advise you to let it out to those who can take it. I'm so proud to know that I cared so much about people 10 years ago but I'm so saddened to know that you believe no one cares about you. I'm not going to tell you your emotions are wrong, loneliness sometimes is about the struggle to feel connected. Sometimes it's not about no one caring or no one being there but more about your internal struggle to truly express how you're feeling. It may feels like no one gets it. You can't know if you keep it all in and fake it.

"I believed in being good, being honest...it feels like I gave everything and then I leave with nothing ... These days I'm so exhausted I don't even sleep...Completely lost my appetite so I don't even eat

But it's really who I am that I've begun to question...I haven't lost my faith in people...just the faith in myself."

Living a life guided by virtue and a moral code is nothing to be ashamed of. Bad things happen to good people, but this isn't a license to act poorly towards others nor does it mean there is no value in trying to be a good person. You haven't truly arrived at the acceptance of everything that has happened and that's why you can't sleep. You're replaying the events of the breakup and it is so uncomfortable and hard to accept that your mind won't let you sleep or eat. What has happened has happened and I have every confidence that you will learn to move pass this. This last few lines are a bit troubling...you don't feel worthy of love, you've lost faith in yourself. You aspire to help people, you're an agent of empathy and compassion however, if you don't have compassion for yourself then how do you care for others? If you're broken how do you help? My advice to you is, don't place yourself beneath others, places yourself as equals; deserving of everything you are willing to do for others. I know this is a paradigm shift for you. Step out of the shadows, become the person you want to be. Rise!

The journey continues 10 years later.