Back Back...To Cali
- Paul Russell
- Apr 25, 2022
- 7 min read
Celebration!
Wow! I just got back from Rama's ( my close friend and college suite-mate ) wedding. There is so much to unpack as I experienced every range of emotion. It was a reunion, a celebration! My friends are doing amazing things and I'm so proud of them! The man of the hour Dr. Rama Yakubu, I am so happy to see him find love in its truest form. When you see it you know it's genuine I can't believe I missed out on so much of the story but I am honored and privileged to be able to share in the celebration. Rama's fun-loving spirit is so contagious, that he asked us to roll with the punches throughout the wedding ceremonies, and roll we did. No matter how the plan went off the rails we pushed on and had a great time.
The energy between us has not changed one bit. We were vibing back and forth and just having a blast of a time. I haven't laughed that much in ages!! Work has been extremely hard on me recently. I've felt particularly worn and beaten and being around everyone just lifted my spirits so much.
Panic!
We had a zoom call with all the suite-mates prior to the wedding because we weren't able to do an in-person bachelor party. We were kicking it throwing back some drinks and playing games. Rama mentioned to me that my ex would be coming to the wedding with her husband he said he hoped it wasn't a problem and I said of course not. In my head and heart, I had a panic attack. I was a ghost for the rest of the call unable to think straight. It took me a long time to figure it out but when me and my ex broke up I lost belief in myself. I became my own worse enemy. I've been trying to put everything back together for the last ten years and I've made incredible progress but my insecurities bubble up when I get back together with my friends because they are accomplishing already the things I dream of getting one day. Buying houses, getting married, and having children these things are my dreams! Unfortunately, I don't feel close to any of them, I'm underpaid and undervalued at work, and in the last ten years, my romantic adventures can be summarized by being hidden away as a secret boyfriend... twice! like I was someone to be ashamed of. Rejected by the nice girls and hidden by the not-so-nice ones. With all that said, I was terrified of running into her and her ex at the wedding. I've never been able to hide my true feelings from her and I couldn't bear the embarrassment that I consider my life to be right now to be on display.
On the day I think ultimately it was much ado about nothing because she is the same sweet soul that I remember who wants the best for everyone I can't help but love her. Every time I saw them my heart felt so heavy, so confused, how can I be so happy for her and so sad at the same time. I kept feeling my eyes water, I couldn't take the embarrassment of anyone seeing me cry. I eventually would just shut my mind down completely so that i could quiet my thoughts. Plus I was so nervous about giving Rama's toast that it was all a big ball of anxiety.
Love!
I walk up to the microphone not sure how I'm going to bring off the words I wrote for Rama. I get my phone out to read from the screen. I started talking and the words weren't coming from the screen anymore, nor my memory they started to flow from my heart. I put my phone in my pocket and I just let it out. I meant every word. I can't think of a more deserving man than Rama.
Roshan's kind spirit hovered throughout the weekend. He knew I spent nearly my last penny to make it to the wedding and he knew I came without a jacket and was freezing and took me to buy a hoodie. He knew how scared I was to see my ex-girlfriend and he saw when I struggled even when no one else did. He told me about his personal struggles and his heartbreak and he made sure I didn't feel alone. My brother Roshan Das I love him to the moon and back.
Francis the father...there are fewer things on this earth that could've been more inspiring than seeing my flamboyant friend from Benin as the responsible dad with the cutest baby on the planet. Francis is a true champion and we share this affinity for music that will never end, I can start a line of any song and he can finish it and vice-versa.
Nora, our girl. Nora has been one of us since freshman year, adventurous, fun-loving always laughing. For the first two and a half years of college, Nora was one of the guys. Our sophomore year Nora, Roshan, and I became especially close. I think when Nora fell for Mohammed the dynamic changed she was no longer one of the guys she was a full-fledged lady and perhaps that created some separation in the group. I've always loved Nora's sense of humor her spirit her very nature. It was so awesome to see her.
Brooke is a story by herself. On this trip I found myself feeling really guilty. I've kept my distance from Brooke because I know how close she is to Nikki. It's just tough for me. During this trip, I was able to let Brooke know just how highly I thought of her. I asked her if she ever saw herself being this successful. She replied saying she knew she wouldn't be broke but she had no idea she would be killing it. I said to her...I always knew it! You were as natural a leader as they come. That's how I think of Brooke, beautiful, intelligent, incredible, and strong. I was so happy to be able to share that moment with her.
Nikki... For me, it's been one hell of a ride. I've never loved anyone as much as I did her. After I failed grad school I tried to hide away in Jamaica. It used to hurt me so much to know that she moved on because I longed so much for the comfort I felt when talking to her. Eventually, I got used to it and I was able to think of it and not feel gutted ( i could never not think of her). Eventually, I was able to process the joy I felt by knowing she wasn't alone. Unfortunately, my life has been somewhat defined by the breakup because it was a huge turning point. I've often been asked do I still love her? My reply has always been, I'm not the person I was, I don't expect her to be the person she was and I don't know her now. (Which is code for "I'm willing to bet she's still amazing! but I'm not going to let you psychoanalyze me!") Seeing her and her husband was very difficult for me, not because I have any negative feelings towards them. It's because I can't help but want to connect with such an amazing person but my very internal moral code tells me the best thing for me to do is to let them be. Stay far away! She has a present and bright future, whereas I am a small part of her past. My heart longs for her but my head says that it's best that she remains unaware. I wasn't able to say anything to her this trip really. I was able to exchange a few messages with her and she is indeed as incredible and loving as I remember. I felt sick at the thought that she might've gotten in her head the idea that I didn't want her to be around. I couldn't let it go and that's why I wrote her. I couldn't be prouder or happier for her and though I long to be closer to her I understand why our stories have to be the way they are. Seeing who she has become makes me feel even happier to have been a part of her life. She taught me what real love looks like and I'm happy to know that I have not settled for anyone who hasn't treated me well or supported me.
Hope
Roshan dug down to the core one night with me. He asked me what is eating away at me. I told him I was one of the highest achieving members of the group and now I can't even afford to see my friends. I feel embarrassed people are paying for my meals because they know I can't afford them. I feel like a failure. When I first went to Houston I felt like anything I willed I could make happen. I was certain! In that same breath, I failed. I failed at love and I failed at school. I've been so scared to feel that pain again that I never applied for an engineering job for four years. I just kept teaching. I finally got an engineering job and the plant closed after 2 years. I moved onto another engineering post where they are running me ragged, I feel worthless at times like nothing I do is good enough. I was having brunch with my friends and my boss called me on my vacation to berate me and say he needed m somewhere at 7 am on Monday sharp. Knowing full well I was arriving Sunday late and would be exhausted. I have been so miserable the past two years, I have no social life all I do is work and go home. I broke up with my last girlfriend because she felt like it was a burden to meet my parents or my friends. I didn't meet all her criteria apparently but it was convenient for her to stay with me, I deserve more than that so I ended it. For the last year, I've felt absolutely and truly alone. I've felt powerless.
However, Roshan and I got to discuss the future. Possibly returning to the states for study or work. With the help of Theo I've also got myself signed up for therapy to help me process the emotional strain I've been putting myself under. The loss of self-belief. It was quite the turn-around. I saw problems but my friends saw an opportunity. I initially felt like maybe I waited too long to start pushing again but I had to remind myself maybe these last 10 years were necessary. Maybe this is my story, my journey. I told myself I was looking for love in Jamaica so I could settle down and start a family but I think I was just afraid to pack up my bags to fly out only to fail again. I think my compassion and empathy grew as I was able to help so many kids in the classroom. I think my confidence was slowly rebuilt by my success as an engineer. Maybe now is the right time to truly put myself out there again. Use my will and determination to make things happen again. I have the most incredible group of friends who inspire me beyond imagine. I am so filled with hope after this trip!
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