I Hate Crying

I absolutely hate crying, I can't think of anything worse than people seeing me cry. In moments of grief or dismay if my eyes water I hold them in as much as possible. When I feel overcome by the sadness I distract myself with movies, TV Series, video games, sports, and work! I often think of myself as an obsessive personality but truth be told when I think about it deeply I'm running away as fast as I can from how I feel.

I'm an introvert's introvert, growing up, my bigger brother and sister took so much air, and so much attention I always felt like an afterthought. I always felt like a supporting role like it was my job to break up huge arguments and to be as invisible as possible. I've always felt a deep sense of loneliness. I existed within a separate world that was made purely of my thoughts where I'd have conversations and explorations with no one but myself. I became so accustomed to it that I would experience deep discomfort when people would enter my space and ask me personal questions. Deep down though I've always had this longing to be able to share and feel understood. I think perhaps I've struggled to communicate my feelings at times and it exacerbates this feeling of being alone; the feeling of being misunderstood.

There's something about feeling like you're not important that allows you to observe everyone else more closely. Listen to their words, feel their emotions, and see their body language. Over the years many people have felt comfortable laying down their burdens at my feet and I've always felt a sense of pride because even though the feeling of being heard and understood is what sometimes feels unattainable for me I am able to provide it to them. There's a sense of nobility about it; an act of selflessness. Paul the healer. Kind, gentle, caring, and invisible.

The truth is that...beneath the mask of heroism is someone who is still desperately trying to feel important to feel seen and appreciated. I had a good run in college where I felt like grew into myself a confident leader who could galvanize collective will and accomplish greatness and somehow I lost it. I've been struggling ever since to convince myself of my own value and even though I'd pour myself into my work when I'd be beaten down by my bosses I would feel like maybe it is what I truly deserve. Maybe this is what my worth is. Why else would I be beaten down at every job?

Recently, I was at the end of extreme disrespect from my current employer and it really broke my spirit, coupled with the deaths of friends and family and a personal family tragedy I found myself...crying; tears streaming down my face. The realization was simple...I'm unhappy. I spent the majority of the pandemic with no social interaction, I forgot what a handshake or a hug felt like. I kept my head down and worked harder and harder so that I didn't have to feel alone. I wish that it made a difference but when you continuously pour yourself out and get nothing back eventually you run empty. I have officially run empty I no longer have the strength to fight back the tears.